Dear Dad

Those first 9 years or so were great. You came to school with me, you introduced me to one of my favourite escapes. I don’t hate you – I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t know if I love you either though. At least not in the way I should. But I think I must otherwise I wouldn’t care that the thought of you makes me sad. But sometimes it is just because you are sad. Not emotionally – but maybe – just as a person. You shouldn’t take it personally that I don’t want to hug you – or maybe you should. The lines are a little blurred on this one. Either way, it makes me uncomfortable. I wish you didn’t cry when you first saw me because it made me feel bad that I was only happy to be there. I hate it when you cry, it makes me want to vomit. After all, you were the one I wasted a lifetime of tears on when it was supposed to be other boys breaking my heart. So I guess I just don’t understand how you still have so much of one thing you gave me unconditionally. I think it’s cool that you look like Jesus because it made me realize there is no god. My morals are my religion. I can’t remember if they’re simple or not, I haven’t needed them for a while. You are flakey, needy, judgemental, moody, depressing, and disappointing. But easy to talk to and fun to watch T.V. with. Your skill set impresses me, and your money probably would too if you actually ever paid for child support. But you pay my phone bill and I guess even that’s something to be grateful for every time I get a text from a boy I like. I wish you would put up some of those pictures you took of me and I think it’s stupid that you only ate hummus and pita for 6 months (was it 6 months?). You are dumb and wrong because that is not healthy for you as a meal every day. Don’t ask for my advice – I’ll probably give you the wrong one just to spite you. Maybe not even intentionally or all the time. But every once in a while because I like to be unpredictable. True Blood is a great show so thanks for that. And the smoothies. I enjoyed our Sunday brunches but more for the food than your company and I’m sorry you think it’s a bad thing I remind you of mom when I get hungry. I don’t like Queens of The Stone Age. You have a gut that is disproportionate to your lanky frame which angers me irrationally. I wish you could have stayed. I wish you didn’t tell me I should ride the seated bike while watching T.V. when I was 8 because I was gaining weight. I’ve had body issues ever since and you had no idea. I’m happy you were adamant we played video games because I still love Zelda although I no longer have the patience to play them. Thank you for half of my genes because I get complimented every day. And in a way thanks for leaving, because the “daddy issues” complex is one that I’m okay working with. You shouldn’t have come back but kudos to you for trying. You won’t walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I’ll invite you but I doubt you’ll attend. I think I forgive you. It should be easier to hate you – but I know you hate yourself enough. And I’m sorry because that’s an awful thing to live with. Good luck, good riddance, thanks for all the fish.

xo (k)(hugs), princess

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