I feel most in my element at home in a big sweater and panties. I am the typical girl-next-door and I think thats how I’ve always idealized myself sexually as well. Perceived innocence. The knowing things you’re not supposed to know. The beauty of the mundanities of life.
You know that feeling when you know something is bad for you, and you do it anyway just to keep proving it is bad for you? Whether it be fiending for social media likes, smoking too much weed, eating gluten, not calling your friends back… I feel like that’s where I’m at.
I think I akin gratitude with complacency sometimes. While things in my life are growing or upgrading I feel a need to keep working until there is an even keel across the board, even with the knowledge that it’s unrealistic.
This is home on the inside and outside.
Every single moment feels like a ritual of love and dedication to myself – like I’m was looking out for my best interest. Like I’m not planning my life anymore but somehow had gotten to a place where my life is just flowing in a way that I know it should have been all along – that I know I was getting to all along.
Finger the fear out of me, I’m longing for your ease.
In my opinion it is a practice of accountability. The main rede of this is essentially”what you put into the universe will come back to you three fold.” So if you’re putting good energy into the world, good energy is going to come back to you.
While there are parts of this experience that are raw and painful, looking back on what I garnered from that experience I feel proud of the work and honoured I got to see out some of my dreams. Nothing is without challenges if it comes with growth.
I think my overall resolution is to improve the way I see myself. To have the person I want to be, be the person I am. To always be questioning that and learning from myself. To trust my own answers and intuition.
I was self-conscious for so long about what people would think of someone who took so many photos of themselves. Am I a narcissist? Am I full of myself? Is there a reason for all of this? Is it really art? Does it need to be art?
Of how I hold you to be the person you were when you asked me to make that promise when I become the person who broke it.
I’ve always considered myself an artist, although have found it difficult to accept this as a label at conjectures in my life where I felt like to truly be an artist was more about the quality of art you were making than the act of making art… I found a passion in digital art that wasn’t present in more tangible forms for me… It also gave me the space in myself to be able to say with confidence that I am an artist.
This is my surrendering to myself…I have lived in extremes for so long. Of pure efficiency, like a machine. Of the deep lethargy and apathy of the depressed. I now am feeling human. I am now feeling myself sink into the wonderment of my own messes and finding the physical curation of my life to be a beautiful replica of my emotional life. My spiritual life. My creative life.
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